My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
