if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
