The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You pole danced in your parka.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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