Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
