Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I haven't been this sober since birth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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