lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
