ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
