Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
