life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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