Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
