also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
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Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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