Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
