Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
