Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
