Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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