If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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