Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
