I can't watch pbs sober anymore
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
