he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
