put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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