I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
