I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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