my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
