better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize