I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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