So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
