Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Randomize
