big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
