oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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