shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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