Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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