Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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