His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
