Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
