Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
