The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
