I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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