Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
