Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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