A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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