Where are you?
In a non slutty way
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
