my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
