i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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