So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
