Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
