Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
