I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
