i wish my penis had a tongue
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
