this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
