My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
