i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The Olympian is in my bed
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
