Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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