Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
