we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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