I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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