She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
