every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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