theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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