Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
