It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
